Living with Purpose

I was about 19. I can remember saying the words out loud to my mother that up until then I had only dared to speak to myself.


High school had been a great experience for me but I struggled with what to do afterwards and where to go. My Senior yearbook showed my smiling face with a list of extra curricular activities I had participated in over the four years of attending MLPS but my college choice listed directly underneath my senior photo was the word that plagued me - undecided . 
I had finally chosen to follow my good friends on to DMLC to study becoming a Lutheran grade school teacher. I envied their confidence knowing that they were meant to do that. I wished I had that conviction. Maybe I hoped it would rub off on me.

By the end of my first year of college, I knew I wouldn't be back. It was knowing that truth that made me utter those words to the only person I knew I could confide in - Mom.

I'm good at a lot of things. But there's not one thing I do that makes me shine. There's nothing I can do that's special. I'm not special.

I don't remember what her immediate reaction was at the time but I do remember what she brought the next time we were together. She came with a manilla envelope - filled with highlighted clippings, Bible passages and proof that I was someone special. Unfortunately, I don't remember the specifics of the contents and I wish I still had that manilla envelope which was her answer to the lies of my inner critic. She would later be the one to suggest hair styling, having recognized my interest and seeing the wisdom in pursuing a flexible career that would allow me to work and maybe one day stay home with a family. How grateful I am for her guidance to my 19 year old confused self!

I am embarrassed to admit that over 20 years later, that same inner critic is still spewing her lies. I never dealt with her. Maybe I got busy pursuing my career, falling in love, being married, having babies and raising them.

But the inner critic remained.

So when one of my favourite bloggers announced that she was going to lead an online mentor/accountability group for four weeks this summer, I took notice.

"​​​​​​​How do you know if this group is right for you? Well, I'll tell you.  If you're struggling with fear and doubt and insecurity about where you currently are in your life,  if you're unmotivated and flat and needing a (virtual) cheerleader and mentor, if you find yourself sitting in the middle of a pile of bad habits that have accumulated because collecting them has been easier than figuring out what's causing them, if you are scared to death about heading into summer given your current state of mind? Then it might be a good time for you."

Was she talking to me? It hit a little too close to home. Sign me up.

The first week's theme for the group was: Cleansing- Removing Obstacles and Getting Unstuck.

She suggested a way to give my inner critic her voice in a way that I could control her time and see it for what she really is - ugly sin. By starting the day with confession to the Lord and being honest with myself to the untruths I've allowed to fester all these years, only then could I move on knowing that I'm forgiven and ready to start a new day in God's grace! 
We also implemented a new (for me) way to keep our thoughts organized and our to-do lists manageable. I can't believe I never did this method before since I'm all about being organized and making lists and checking things off! In all the transition from my traditional spiral bound calendars and fridge lists to the digital world of laptops and iCal and cell phones and reminders, I had lost my way of keeping it all together. I realized that digital helps but I still need a pen and paper. I need to write. I need to brainstorm. I need something that's in arm's length of me that I can quickly write down whatever just popped into my head if only for a fleeting moment. It doesn't need to be pretty. But it needs to be practical.

The theme for week 2 was:Right things out = Right things in.

Now that we had covered the part about getting all the junk out, we'd have space ready to fill with all the good and needful things. Namely, God's Word. I've already had the habit of spending time daily with in the Word but I had lacked the confession part beforehand. I can't believe the life-changing difference! What a weight off my shoulders and how much better is the soil of my heart to plant the Word in it!
We were also challenged to start better morning habits that would encourage us to have a more fruitful day with a better focus and clarity. I'm not much of a morning person but the results were so substantial that I've been getting up early just to reap the benefits!
Finally, we were encouraged to surround ourselves with good books and podcasts that would support our growing and understanding both spiritually, intellectually, etc. This happened to be an area I already feel passionate about and just fuelled my fire!

The theme for week 3 was: Calling and Giftedness. Yikes. These were the topics whose answers I had been searching 20 years for!

Up until this point, I was still asking myself the same questions I had asked my 19 year old self.
What makes me happy?
What can I do that makes money?
How can I get the most out of what life has to offer?
What do I want to be known for?
How do I bring more meaning into my life?
What am I SUPPOSED to do?

Good. Heavens.
How could I have got this far in my spiritual journey and missed the point? How have I been blind, not to the answers to these questions but to the problem with the questions themselves?!

We are called to love God and serve our neighbour. It has nothing to do with making me happy or making me money. It certainly isn't about getting something out of it for me or recognition of something great I'm able to do. I'm not even able to bring meaning into my own life!
What am I SUPPOSED to do? Love God and serve my neighbour. Not out of some compulsion to prove I'm really a Christian. Not out of any guilt. But out of a heart overflowing with thankfulness to a merciful God who has given me everything I need in this life and for eternity.

Now I'm asking myself different questions.
Who are the people in my life that I am here to serve?
What are my neighbour's needs?
How can I give of myself?
How can I better serve the people in my life in a more meaningful way?
What am I supposed to do with the people God has placed in my life and with the talents and gifts He has blessed me with?

Which led me right back to my inner critic ...

I'm good at a lot of things. But there's not one thing I do that makes me shine. There's nothing I can do that's special. I'm not special.

Now that I started asking myself different questions altogether, the blatant focus of these thoughts were clearly all about me. They were driven by an inward focus. They were also full of discontent for the way God has made me.

In my defence (here we go, you're thinking!), I've never actually contemplated what makes me unique and different. No wonder I'm frustrated with my neighbours (those whom God has placed in my life) for not being more like me - haha!

We were challenged to do at least two different online personality tests. While I've done one or two half-heartedly, I've never done any seriously or with much thought. After making an effort this time around, I was surprised how they had me "pegged". But what surprised me more was reading what I wasn't.

You mean not everyone likes to organize? What's this - not everyone plans ahead? Am I the only one who likes rules to follow? Why aren't others as emotional as me?

And through it, I began to realize how unique I am. Sure, there are other "Yellows and Greens" out there along with a group of "ESFJ - T Consuls" that maybe I could form a support group with.
I KNOW this sounds ridiculous - that I'm so dumb as to not notice that there are differences in people? I can see it between my own children for crying out loud. And although Wayne and I have been married long enough to finish each other's sentences or form the same opinion, we're still pretty darn different. I'll take the long way just to cross the street at the cross-walk and he has no problem jaywalking. That should be a clue!!

The fact is (and was) that I was so busy listening to the lies of my inner critic (and sinful nature) that I denied the good gifts God has given me and also failed to recognize it in others. Instead of embracing the uniqueness that we all are, I've been judgemental not only mercilessly to myself but in regards to others as well. Which is crazy ironic since I homeschool in part to embrace the uniqueness in which we all learn and not produce another cog in the factory of education but I digress ...


So now that I better recognize what makes me, me (which I still find hard to do with myself. I find it much easier to point to you and tell you where your gifts lie),  I can take that knowledge and better serve my neighbour.

I pray that if you've gotten this far in reading, you are not as clueless as I am and already know what's taken me years to figure out with the help of an online accountability group.

OK. So week 4 theme was: Sharing your gifts and Serving your neighbour. We talked more specifically about who our neighbour is (husband, children, church family, friends, etc) and brainstormed some specific ideas on how to better serve them. She also gave us a pep talk about serving difficult people. I think you know what I mean ...

Part of our assignment through this was to read two books - The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and A Million Different Ways by Emily Freeman.  The first book was a little crude but a kick in the pants - I can give it that.  But the other book is a gem!! I borrowed a copy from the library but I've already put an Amazon order in so I can have my own and highlight that puppy up!! I wish I could have given this to my 19 year old self. I know my mother would have given it to me in her manilla envelope, for sure! There were several different points I learned or were reinforced thanks to A Million Different Ways and they are:

• I have been underestimating the importance in what I already do. It's not what I do that matters so much as the heart that it's done with and who it's done for. There are a million different ways to glorify God every day in our lives! 
• I've been uniquely gifted to serve the people God has put directly in my life for a purpose. 
• I am special because He's made me special!!!
• I can look back as far as my childhood and recognize clues to my "art" in what I played, what I was passionate about, the things I imagined. Somewhere along the way of life, I lost some of that uninhibited childhood passion but it's always stayed a part of me. 
• I don't need to be the best at something in order for it to be meaningful and worth doing. I've set the bar high for myself and always ended up wanting. I've played the comparison game all my life and always fail.  Instead, something can be meaningful and worth doing because it serves my neighbour's needs according to the gifts I've been given.

Edie promises to do another one of these groups come the fall. I found it the best spent $40 and a great use of my 4 weeks. The lessons I've learned took a long time coming! I know I've got so much more to learn, too.

I am so thankful to have gained some clarity and purpose! I'm coupling what I've learned with a study on the fruits of the Spirit and I'm getting my groove back - or maybe a different one. I'm excited to continue developing my passions and talents and let that overflow to the people around me!

Summer continued ...

Yep. Still loving summer!
 I'm getting projects done around the house that have been building up over the year. 
I'm having actual quiet times in the mornings all to myself because my kids no longer get up at 6:30am to hit the ground running. (Puberty has got to be good for something!) 
I've actually bothered to polish my nails after 16 years of motherhood. Now I'm on a quest to find what will last the longest.
I love that we have air conditioning but I also love that I can sit outside on the porch. 

I have been cooking up a storm! I'm totally in mother hen mode. I cluck around the house sweeping the floor, pitting cherries and making dinner. Sometimes I'll be making lunch and dinner at the same time because somebody already starts asking what I'm serving for the next meal before we're even done with the one we're eating!

We're also going for walks, bike rides and making sure to include fun outings in and around town. This week Zanna's in a half day art camp. Will enjoys having an excuse to drive and gets out of bed just so he can drive her the 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back home again. Too bad I have to go with - he's got a learner's permit essentially. But then we have some bonding time! 

These are a few of my favourite things:

After picking a ton of local strawberries, I was desperate to figure out what to do with them in a hurry. I made two batches of freezer jam, strawberry waffle topping, frozen pureed cubes for smoothies, and 3 ingredient no church strawberry ice cream. Take my word for it - totally worth it!!!

Neighbours who give you cherries from their cherry tree. So one Sunday afternoon unexpectedly turned into a pie making day for me. I went all out and channeled my inner Donna Reed and made homemade pie crust for the two pies I made out of those red and juicy lovelies. With cherries still left over, I boiled them down to make some pie filling that I used later in the week for cherry cobbler. 

My 16 year old gopher - who ran across the street at 10pm to buy ice cream to go with the cherry cobbler I had decided to make at 9:45 that night. 

Vanilla Almond Granola - mixed with Greek yogurt and berries ... yum!

SunBum Lip Balm- in coconut and key lime because why wouldn't you want your lips to taste like dessert?!!! 

Wendy's 99 cent Frosty deal. 'nuff said. 

The local stripper bar closed down.  My mama taught me to always pray: Lord, please let that den of sin burn down but not so anyone gets hurt. Your will be done. Amen. There was no fire (that I know of) but it closed last March after what was advertised as a special St. Patricks Day celebration. Now the building has been demolished completely. Yay! (hopefully not to be rebuilt bigger and better) 

So I guess that my favourite things tend to lean toward food - except for that last one. 

Just so we don't sit around and eat and drive each other nuts all summer, I was mean and put Zanna in a spelling bee. Thankfully she likes to spell! It was her first one and she did a great job - she won in her division! FYI - her final winner word was perhaps. 

And I'm an equal opportunity mean mom so I signed Will up for four 10 hour days of National Lifesaving Society training. He's now a licensed lifeguard for both NLS and the American Red Cross. Now he just has to get a job! 

I've tried to explain to the kids that boredom isn't a problem for me - I always have stuff to do like make their next meal, for instance. But I loved the mentor/accountability group I was a part of for 4 weeks and am working on a post from what I learned from that. 

And Wayne has a job that doesn't take a break in the summer so he keeps going and I send him iCal notifications when he needs to schedule a family outing with us. 

Yep. Still loving summer!