The phone call came on the night of my little girl’s 7th birthday.
My mom and dad were packing up their things to leave first thing in the morning. I had been collecting the last of the baby items I had to pass on to my brother and sister-in-law who were expecting their first baby. I would send them off with mom and dad who would be driving down to Texas to see them soon.
I washed and carefully folded the crocheted baby blankets that were just sitting in a box these last few years - pinks and blues - carefully knitted together to form a pattern. I went through the board books I had enjoyed reading with my babies - some lightly gnawed at in the corners, a memory of teething babies. Some books I can’t and won’t part with as they seemed to become a part of me and these I put in another corner for now. Funny how some books can get into me and affect me like that.
It was time to move on and it felt good to clear some more clutter and make some space to move around in.
So when the caller on the other line with my husband asked if we would consider this? And all I can hear him say from the other room in his serious voice is “let me talk with my wife”, I wonder.
And it’s this - the caller knows a woman and her story reads like a tragedy. Her biological past against her from the start, she continues to make poor decision after poor decision. Men have come and gone and left babies in their wake. Some she’s kept, others she’s allowed to have another life outside hers with a stable family, and others she’s lost and never made to term. And now there’s this - 12 weeks along and twins, no less. And even though she didn’t seem to make very clear headed decisions, she knew she wanted her babies in a Christian home. She wanted to know they’d be baptized. Would we ... want them?
We look each other in the eyes and say yes without hesitation. And when mom asks if I have that box ready of baby things I hesitate and say, “about that...”. And leave her stunned.
The next day is different. I call her myself to ask questions and get more information about a woman full of life growing inside who’s own life is so messed up. Is it any wonder that she uses pot to medicate her pain? As it all sinks into my brain I start to realize that this decision may not be so easy to make.
I call our adoption agency we used to bring Zanna into our family. They do domestic, private adoptions too. I’m surprised to hear the bottom line - a cost so high it rivals our China adoption. Another home study, lawyer’s fees, parenting classes, the list continues. And this is before we bring two newborns home?! A 3 bedroom house comfy enough for our family now but a basement to refinish if Will is to move down there. Two of everything. Two cribs, two carseats, Costco sized diaper boxes and formula canisters. All the reasons why not to crowd my head and I am overwhelmed. I spend the next few days in tears.
Those against abortion are all for life until the baby is born. The words I heard the previous week echo in my brain and cut into my heart, convicting me. At the time I had laughed in agreement and I silently convicted all those pro-lifers for never considering adoption. And now in a twist of irony, I sit here wanting to say NO. No to these babies that need a loving home, no matter the sins of their parents or the special needs they may or may not have.
The guilt in the beginning was overwhelming me. I have spent eleven years disappointed every month that I’m not pregnant. I have wanted babies. I have spent hours in prayer, pleading with Jesus. We dreamed a new dream and been blessed with our baby physically born in China but love for her born in our hearts and I’d have it no other way. I was at peace. Didn’t I say a few days before to someone I’m confident God blessed us with two because he knew that’s all I could handle! Surely I’m not a large family kind of woman! And now, are we to double that amount in just a few, short months? Who am I to cry out to Him for years for a child only to have Him offer me the opportunity for 2 and have me say, “Uh, thanks but no thanks.”?
Thankfully, this guilt weighing me down didn’t last very long. I immersed myself in the Word and was reminded of God’s promises. He died for my guilt. He took my wrongs on himself and made it right. I leave my guilt at the foot of the cross. In it’s place is freedom. Freedom he gives his children to make their choices, promising that he’ll work all things out for the good of those that love him. He’s given us freedom to weigh out situations in our life using the brains he gave us to make decisions everyday - like what kind of career we should pursue or what to have for dinner. We have confidence being his children that he’ll walk with us no matter what. We look at his promises to guide us and seek to follow his commands. We can be confident in making our decisions as we walk in faith and see the blessing found in this freedom.
In this moment, God was allowing an open door for us - did we want to walk through it? We told the kids. We wanted them in on this big family changing decision. We let them know we were considering this but that other families were contacted too. We weren’t sure what would happen but there was a chance this could happen for us. Will was excited to have a basement bedroom. Zanna heard “babies” and her eyes glossed over in excitement. I had to talk her down for days and remind her they may not be our babies but we cared about what happened to them no matter whose home they ended up in. I stressed keeping them in prayer.
We lived the next few weeks only talking about it between Wayne and I occasionally. We were waiting to see if another couple would want an opportunity to adopt an “instant family”. We ourselves contacted a few couples we thought would consider it. We waited. When we had chances to talk about it in between Lenten services and no kids being around which were chances few and far between, we talked about family planning, birth control and decision making. We didn’t necessarily figure out all of life’s complicated matters but it felt good to connect and talk and cling to each other. I continue to grow in appreciation for the man I married almost 15 years ago! If I had to be on this roller coaster, there was comfort in sharing a seat with him!
It was starting to wear on me though. A fierce cold had set in on my body and was zapping my energy. I thought about the babies all the time. We needed to make a decision but I know I wasn’t any closer to one than I was the day before. In one moment I was convinced we could do it. God would work out the details. In the next moment I would be just as certain that we would be insane to do this. We were coming up on 38 for crying out loud!! Was I already starting to loose my mind? I was feeling like a ping pong and needed to be put out of my misery and move forward one way or the other. I knew it was weighing on Wayne too amid the busyness of the Lenten season and his regular, daily classes and meetings.
And then three weeks into the whole affair, it ended just as quickly as it had come up. The door shut. The expectant mom had chosen her own couple to promise them to. That’s all I know.
I don’t know what this was. In the wake of it all, I’m left a bit dazed and confused. In retrospect, I felt I was being refined. And as awful as it sometimes felt, I always knew it was for a purpose. Maybe there will be a time where we’ll say, “Ah-ha! That is why we went through that back then!” or maybe not?
I cried more tears - I think out of relief that we never had to finally make the choice. We never closed the door ourselves and I must admit that that in itself is a relief. I’m hugging my kids a little tighter, watching their expressions and movements and thanking God for it all.
I can repack those boxes of the last baby stuff and it’ll go to a good home.
Today we welcomed the latest addition to my side of the family - pretty, little Avery Mae, 8 lbs, 13.5 oz was born!
To the few that we let in on this at the time, I am grateful for their wise council and encouragement and for being there for us. I’m also so thankful to those that didn’t know the details but prayed for us anyway. Thank you.
