Gram

Last month Gram went home to heaven. 

While I know how much I'm like my own mother in so many ways, I also know I wouldn't be the person I am without Grandma influencing so much of who I've become. 

Her funeral will be put off until June in hopes that the family spread out literally all over the world will be able to come together to celebrate her life and eternity in heaven with her Savior. I've no doubt that we'll have plenty of laughter mixed with the tears as we share all our memories of not only her but Grandpa as I don't think they can be successfully separated from each other in most of our recollections. After all they were a team for almost 75 years. Grandma may have gone ahead of him to heaven for now but the dementia that's been worsening over the last while has been a blessing to the man who in many ways has reverted to a childlike state, happy and unaware. 

Grandma was the definition of a grandma - fill the grandkids full of sugar, spoil them with love, and return them to the parents. My childhood visits included copious amounts of homemade cookies (extras were always found in the basement freezer), bowls of popcorn, and creme de mint shakes (the kind with alcohol). She loved her people with food. She always served spaghetti the night of our arrival. She still served that meal to us years later while she  had the ability despite her slowness and various aches and pains. She would try to serve our kids jello with canned fruit  jiggling within it's walls and couldn't understand why they were adverse to it. She extended hospitality to the very end of her ability. Everyone had a place at their table and she had the capability to make everyone there feel special. 

I will cherish the recipe cards written in her distinctive handwriting. Her memory will be with us when we are enjoying her rhubarb pie, green wreath cookies, and caramel corn, and slow cooked ribs. She loved the Taste of Home magazines and would save for me the ones she had gone through, the telltale cut outs of missing recipes showing that she'd already picked out the ones she wanted to try. She had her favorite dishes but she was also adventurous enough to try new ones too - usually on company or to potlucks. 

Their home was always filled with music. They sang in their church choir, grandma an alto.  They loved the hymns of the church and the songs of the liturgy taking them through all their years, reminding them of the Saviour's love. Their other passion was real down home country music. When our family moved to Springfield back in the '80's, they were thrilled to have the chance to visit Branson the years before it became the craziness it is now. Grandpa taught himself some guitar and always wished he could play other instruments too. I recall his ability to belt out all the twang and grit he could muster! Even now, the nurse who attends to him clued into the magic of music that still has the ability to cut through the fog of his mind. She plays it and he perks right up and recalls all the words and tunes, his face lighting up! It's no wonder music has always played a vital role in my home too. 

I adored them both as a child. When I went to Prep for high school my relationship with them deepened. Instead of living across the country from me, they were now the closest relatives - just a three hour drive! Throughout high school, I would occasionally go to their home for weekend visits sometimes bringing a friend but more often than not just myself longing for a break from my peers. All I really wanted to do was sleep and eat grandma's good food but they had different expectations. Grandma's definition of "sleeping in" was the not mine so she would start vacuuming in front of the door somewhere around 8 AM. We usually had some place to go - I don't remember being bored those weekends. During these years I got to know them without my parents around which really changed the dynamics. I didn't even have to share them with anyone those weekends - they were all mine! Their home offered me a respite from teen drama and their love nurtured my soul. Of course, the highlight was always the evening when Grandma and I would stay up to watch "Love Connection" and eat popcorn. Sunday mornings were church and after lunch we'd head back - either by car or by plane. Yep, Grandpa had a pilot's license and access to a relative's plane and he would often pick me up or fly me back to and from school. So cool! 

I wish ... I had a candle to light that smelled like their home used to. After visiting them I'd go home or back to school and I would unpack my bag and my clothes would smell like their house. I don't know what exactly made it smell like it did but it was Them. 

They were truly inspiring people. It was Grandpa's dream to build a log cabin. I remember log home magazines piled next to his chair long before any trees were cut down. I think originally it was supposed to be a modest, standard A-frame. He had no professional experience in building (he worked for the phone company during his career and his main hobby was flying so it's not like he was bored or anything)   but it didn't seem to deter him. He dreamed big. He researched. I'm not sure how many years - decades maybe - this dream grew. All I know is that Grandma seemed to go along with it all and they did it together. IT turned out to be a log home in northern Wisconsin on the lake. He cut the trees down, and step by step the dream came to fruition and ended up being a two level log home with a loft and garage. They lived in it for years until my parents took it over somewhere around 14 years ago. Sure, the electrical is a little sketchy but I don't think any fires have started yet;) 

They were always so encouraging for me and so supportive. When I didn't go back to DMLC for teaching and instead went to cosmetology school, they helped pay the bill. They also loved Wayne and welcomed him to the family with open arms. I was their first grandchild and Will was their first great grandchild. We named Will after Grandpa. The last trip they took to visit us in Canada was for Will's confirmation. 

The things I have of Grandma's I've had for years already and I'm so grateful I've been able to enjoy them all this time while she's still been alive. I cherish her crocheted blankets (especially since I never learned to crochet or knit myself) and her yo-yo quilt she made with her older sister is something I consider a work of art. Her jewelry collection was extremely modest but at some point she gave me a gold locket with each of our pictures in it. She made a hooked rug for my dorm room freshman year of high school that I still use. She gave me a complete set of vintage Pyrex bowls she never used and I thought I hit the jackpot with that one! I know I have probably a dozen other things that I don't even think about because I've just always had them and I'm used to seeing them or using it. 

The oddest thing I can recall especially as a kid was how Grandma would keep and wash out empty cardboard juice containers and reuse them to put either leftovers in and freeze or fill with the kitchen scraps to throw away. Obviously something generational and thrifty but I grew up in the era of Tupperware so this was weird to me! 

But the memories that mean the most to me are of the many times we would worship Jesus together as a family - either around the dinner table in prayer and devotion or at church and up at the communion rail. That was the legacy they've left me and my family. Generations standing up side by side to receive the Lord's body and blood links us together with the Body of Christ for eternity. It's the closest thing to heaven on earth and it's the comfort we have that as each one of us takes our turn and falls asleep we will awaken to each other forever with Him. 

I called her when she was in the hospital. It was a Sunday afternoon. She hadn't been to church since probably February before Covid hit. She was always the one to do the reading for her and Gramps. Her eyesight didn't give out on her like Grandpa's did but her voice got gravelly over the years. Still she would read aloud for them both. She would read all the articles in Forward in Christ, Meditations every morning, and weekly read a printed copy of Wayne's sermon from the week before. They loved his sermons. This particular phone call would be my last conversation with her and I asked her if she wanted me to read today's Meditation to her. She readily agreed and I read it loud and slow in hopes she could understand me on speaker phone from her hospital bed. I'm so grateful to have this memory. 

Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) was the verse she clung too and even when she became confused and disoriented at the end she would finish the verse that Mom would begin ... Be still Mom would say .... and Grandma would finish it and know that I am God. 

Man, I'm going to miss her like crazy! I'm so thankful to have had her so long. I'm so grateful that my kids got to spend so many moments with their great grandparents! I have so many memories to cherish and an eternal legacy to pass down. 

The next time I'm at a restaurant and I go to swipe the basketful of free breadsticks and saltine crackers into my purse I'll say, "These are for you, Grandma. These are for you." 😘

Is it Over Yet?

 Merry Christmas, you old Building and Loan ... I mean, blog! I don't know what happened to the last few months. Why do I feel like I hardly accomplished anything? 

For starters, our empty nest was short lived. Just when we started getting in our groove, Will came back to us. MLC couldn't safely keep up with housing the quarantined kids so they had to go to online school for the rest of the semester. Before we knew what happened, our 20 year old ended up back in our driveway with a car load full of clothes, books, and his violin. So for the last six weeks he's been logging on every morning, working out in the afternoon, studying with friends on Zoom, and eating. A lot of eating.

It's actually been what is sure to be a happy memory of a good that resulted from the chaos of this year. We've been a threesome for the last six years but a different three. Having Will home as the "only child" is a different dynamic and we are really enjoying this unique time with just him with us. 

So some of my to do items got shoved to the side and it looks like I can add another year to catch up on later to my Christmas scrapbook (although I did manage to order some new papers and stickers). 

In November I attended the Pastor's wives retreat I've gone to the last two years. This was at a different location than the previous years due to Covid and we were in a VRBO with plenty of room to spread out among us. I was just super thankful that we were still able to pull it off because our body and souls sure needed it! There were some new faces that became fast friends and returning ones I look forward to catching up with. We spent hours pouring over the book of Nehemiah, building each other up, and resting in the goodness of God. 

Later in the month I took a day trip with a friend from church and went to Lindale, Texas where we shopped at an outdoor Vintage/Flea/Craft market.  Apparently Lindale is where Miranda Lambert is from and the town's big claim to fame! I can't say I'm super familiar with her stuff but it was fun to see how excited they were about her in the shops we perused. 

I've continued to enjoy teaching my homeschool co-op writing class and have just the sweetest group of kids. Writing is a window into what is going on in their creative minds and personalities and I love helping them develop techniques to express themselves. We break from Thanksgiving through New Years so we'll get back to meeting next month for the second half of the school year. 

Speaking of Thanksgiving, we maintained a shred of normalcy by still going to Wisconsin for the holiday. It wasn't my favorite thing to get on a plane or even deal with an airport but we survived and God protected us (no thanks to the airline for packing us in like sardines and not even seating families together). We also had a far amount of help to make this all happen. Brent and Chantal had us over the night before so we'd be in place for next day's flight, even driving us to the airport and picking us up. They also kept Buddy for us and welcomed him into their family. His French Bulldog cousin, Maise, was not always amused by the presence of her East Texas hillbilly kin. Chantal would send me videos of their love/hate relationship of chasing after each other, tug of war battles, and growling showdowns. But then we'd also get these sweet pictures ...

On the Minnesota end where we flew into, my Uncle Greg lent us his car which was so generous. Originally Mom was going to pick us up but plans were constantly changing which leads me to Grandpa and Grandma - 92 and 94 respectively. My sweet grandparents have been declining in health especially over the past few years. It's so hard to see these precious people in a state of confusion and weakness. I don't want these memories to be the dominating ones I have and therefore I haven't even taken a picture of them for awhile now. We were able to have some socially distanced visits over the summer trips we took and I'm so grateful for those opportunities. Anyway both of them tested positive for Covid a little while back and Grandma has been in hospital with some complications. Grandpa never did have any symptoms but his dementia kept him from being able to live in the assisted living apartment on his own. Good news - Grandma has rebounded and made it through some pretty grim looking moments and Lord willing will be transferred this week to the nursing home Grandpa was moved to. 

That meant that our normal Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad's was most certainly not normal as we feasted without my grandparents. They were missing at the card table while we played Hand and Foot and not around for the annual Muppet Christmas Carol viewing that officially kicks off the Christmas season (in a non liturgical sense:).  They were missing from Friday Fish Fry too. Mom and I spent a few days after Thanksgiving weekend going through their apartment and setting what we thought they'll need in their new place aside. It was emotionally and physically draining. 

But we have much to be thankful for including see our girl again! It was wonderful having her back with us if only for a few days. We went shopping, bowling, and worshiping together! 

Zanna is finishing up finals this week and headed home on Friday. Yay! Meanwhile we've been decking the halls at home. I expected to have to decorate the tree without kids this year but looks like we can put that off one more year.  We usually set Will's ornaments aside for him to put on the tree once he's home from school but this time he got to decorate with us and instead we put Zanna's aside for when she's back. Having said that, she was the one that would help me remember which ornaments belonged to who so I'm sure she'll be ticked off by seeing some of her ornaments we mistakingly put on without her. 

Years ago I had given Will a book and doll set that was a spin on the Elf on the Shelf (which I hate for doctrinal reasons) but it was Uncle Si (from Duck Dynasty) "Play Hard. Nap Hard". The idea is that Uncle Si needs to find places to nap. So we've all been having fun taking turns finding unique spaces for Uncle Si to have his naps and then watch as the others take notice. 

We're also looking forward to Fran coming for Christmas. We haven't seen her for a year and a half and have missed her so much!

Final thought to leave you with .... 

Shrimp and Grits. Because it's the South. 

Sour Milk and Sunflowers

    As time without my daughter at home continues to march on, I continue to be reminded of how indispensable she's been to me. 

• We can't drink the milk fast enough before it goes bad. I've already switched to half gallons and this continues to be a struggle. Wayne doesn't drink milk (except for his Sunday morning cereal) but I use it in my teas, lattes, cooking, etc so I need it available and definitely without clumps and a sour, nasty taste. This has proven challenging without our big milk drinker at home. The upside is that there's no longer a big gallon jug taking up precious space in my fridge. 
• I can't get those darn grocery store plastic bags used for meat open. Before Zanna came along I would lick a finger to get them open. Yuck. No way am I doing that again - with or without Covid, thank you very much. She seems to have the touch without having to lick. I stood next to the hamburger in Costco last week and felt like an idiot trying to open one of those bags up. I simply can't do it. She made it look so easy! I tried again with my roast chicken. Again, no luck. It's ridiculous! I'm tempted to pull her out of school just so she can come with me and open up my plastic bags. What do other people do without a Zanna to open their bags? Is there a trick I'm missing? 
• She's the only one who knows the gate code for the neighborhood pool and for our garage doors. It's pretty bad when you have to text your daughter 900 miles away in order to get into your house through the garage.
• There's no one to hang out with and watch Hallmark movies and episodes of "When Calls the Heart" when Wayne is out of town.  Instead I ended up going through her bathroom and purging/cleaning it. Granted, it was very satisfying. I did end up watching "Crazy, Rich Asians" which I actually found kind of amusing and also reminded me of her (you know, with all the Asians - not the crazy or rich part). 

Speaking of Zanna, she's doing great! She's made some sweet friends, is doing very well in her studies, and has joined some activities to broaden her horizons. Speaking to Zanna, she's getting by. The cafeteria only serves gross versions of chicken all the time,  the dryer doesn't get her clothes completely dry, she bruised her foot doing something, and she's out of cash. Oh - and it's cold and they haven't turned the heat on in the dorms yet so she has to use every blanket she owns to sleep at night. And as of last Friday she and the rest of her side of the second floor hallway residents are quarantined for 2 weeks. So now she starts online learning, has gross and now cold cafeteria food delivered to her room well after everyone else has already eaten, and can't go hang out with her friends at the SU in the evenings. She can however, sit in the leper colony part of the bleachers to watch the football game, peer at her friends through the window of the SU, and take socially distanced walks outside. 

Of course, you'll know all of this already if she has your phone number because she's been calling everyone she knows to share this information with them. Either that or you've read her blog. (I don't know where she gets it!) Extra points if you feel sorry enough for her to send a care package;) 

Not much to report concerning Will other than he's doing just fine! He's your typical laid back Halldorson and it's a joy to chat with him when he calls and fills us in on what's going on in Minnesota. He's single again but we're so encouraged to witness his maturity and growth from life's challenges and his willingness to seek advice and wisdom from mentors and even his parents;) 

Meanwhile on the home front, I have been tackling projects I've been putting off for 20 years. The list is long, my friends. I knew this day would eventually come and I've been patiently waiting to finally organize closets, cupboards, and drawers. Seven years of Christmas scrapbooking need to be dealt with. Homeschool miscellaneous can finally be purged. Without a basement to throw things into I have this renewed sense of only making room for what we like/need. Fueled in part by my Pandemic Pantry of March, I am motivated and inspired. I actually wish I had more pantries to organize because it was so much fun!! 

At the same time I'm doing something similar with myself - purging what doesn't work, and learning to unclutter my life and mind. Maybe it sounds hokey but in my new season I'm tackling it like everything else I do - researching, learning, and reimagining how I can best use the gifts I've been given to love my neighbor (whoever that might be). It's kind of exciting. 

Meanwhile, Wayne and I find ourselves back to where we started 20 years ago - just us but with a friendship and intimacy made stronger by sharing over half our lives together that includes some of our greatest joys and some of our lowest lows. I'm so grateful we made the effort through all the years of parenting littles to maintain a closeness and "dating" mentality that serves us well in this time of life. I'll drink to that!

And of course, now that we have a dog I should share some photos of him.

I've been threatening to buy the three of us matching Christmas sweaters for this year's Christmas cards (never mind our children). I think that would be hilarious!! 

Meanwhile, if anyone has useful tips on how to open up those produce/meat bags I'm all ears ... 

 

A Hannah Heart

 

When we dropped off Will at Prep six years ago, I comforted myself with the fact that we still had six whole years before having to take Zanna there.  Six long years to learn by her side, teach her what she needs to know, mentor her to womanhood, and make lasting memories to cherish.  

I dreaded how fast each new school year seemed to keep coming, knowing that the time was passing way too quickly. I knew this day would come.

I also didn't want our time to be clouded by this inevitability and ruined because I was living in fear. I tried my best to soak in our experiences and truly enjoy the days that seemed to fly by!

Motherhood is sacrificial in so many ways and my heart identifies with Hannah who cried in anguish and pleaded with the Lord to give her a child. Hannah despaired with each child her rival Penninah gave birth to. I know that feeling all to well. It seems like so long ago that with each passing month of barrenness I too would cry to the Lord for a miracle to happen in my womb. Each month His answer was no. But He said yes to Hannah in Samuel and He said yes to us through the adoption of Hosanna. 

In the joy and rapture of thankfulness we feel having been blessed with both of our children, we send them away so far and so young. They are not ours. They are His. We shoulder the responsibility to raise them, make wise choices on their behalf, disciple and discipline them accordingly, but they are not for us to keep. 

Which is a real bummer because now I have to remember where I parked the car at Walmart. Now I have to make sure I don't forget to water the bamboo above the kitchen sink or the plants outside on the porch. Now I have to load and unload the dishwasher myself. Now I have to be sure I've fed the dog. What will I do without her?

As the summer came and went she was getting ready to leave. She arranged Zoom calls and connected future classmates as she expanded the circle. She packed the carefully chosen matching bedding and towels that would help make her dorm room reflect her personality. She gathered items from her room to pack that would help make her new surroundings feel a little more homey. I was excited for her by seeing her excitement and I knew she was ready for this next step like I was so many years ago. 

I was beyond thrilled not to have to enter the boys' dorm this time around! The girls' dorm smelled WAY better. There were cute bulletin boards decorated in the lobby and Bible passages affixed to the walls throughout the hallways of each floor. It was so much cleaner and agreeable to be in! 

We know she'll be different when we see her next: Months of having to wash your own clothes, manage you time, and being responsible for yourself will do that.  We also know she'll always be our girl! 

Before we left for Wisconsin, we recreated an experience for her similar to one I had at her age. Her dad took her out on her first date. He showed her what being cared for and respected looks like. He treated her the way he would want a young man to treat his daughter. He wanted to be her standard. Granted - this didn't happened in just one meal out to restaurant. It's been happening all this time: in the way he treats and cares for me, how he speaks to me in love, and how he respects the uniqueness of womanhood. All this time she's been watching. But this day ... this time with just the two of them ... was special. I passed on to Wayne to give to Zanna the necklace my dad gave to me so many years ago, a memorable gift to remember a significant first date. 

Packing her up was a monumental task coupled with the need to haul all of Will's stuff to MLC. Turns out we had a hitch and didn't even know it all these years! Good thing because we ended up needing a trailer.

First stop was New Ulm! On our way though we were able to stop in Albert Lea and visit my Grandma. 

How cute is she? A woman never tells her age but let's just say there's a ninety in the front and a three at the end and we'll leave it with that. She's amazing! Her mind is sharp, she's beautiful, and full of wisdom! And yes, we wore masks at Perkins where we met up except for when we took them off to eat pie and talk. And we're oddly distanced from her in this picture while holding our breath. Welcome to 2020. 

Once we arrived in New Ulm, we got together with my dear friend, Tonya. We go way back to high school. We roomed together freshman year of DMLC and she was my matron of honor in my wedding. I love Tonya like a sister. In the recent past she and her husband have helped Will out with a place to stay when needed, a place to store his crap over the summer, and been on call should he need anything. I love being able to reconnect with her now that Will is at MLC. They had us over for a pizza supper at their new place and bonus: I got to see Brandon their son who is also my godchild. He's 23. And I am apparently super old. But I got to give him a big ole hug and remind him that Jesus loves him. How cool is that? 

After dropping off Will's stuff in his dorm room but not getting to see Will because he wasn't back from Basic before we left town, we continued on to Watertown. Big weekend. Big.

There was some weird social distancing and masking that made everything awkward of course but we still managed to get her moved in, made the Walmart run, got her registered, made a dry run to all her classes, and attended the beautiful opening service. 

We also reconnected with more dear friends and saw another one of our godchildren!! 

She is so precious, oh my goodness. What a treat!!

The big moment leading up to this day was of course who the roommate assignment would be. It turned out to be a sweet girl, fellow Pastor's kid (PK), who was raised in Canada. What are the chances?! BTW - Zanna is proud to continue to represent Canada and has many t-shirts to help her do this. Having said that, a canister of Tim Hortons hot chocolate in a care package would most assuredly assist her in this endeavor. 

The weekend went really well overall followed by a few days with my mom and dad in northern Wisconsin. We drove back through Mankato on our way back so we were able to see Will albeit briefly before we headed back down south. He had no hair but looked good and happy! 

We're settling into a new normal which consists on no kids and a dog. I go back and forth between being excited (this is the benefit of having kids young) and being scared (now what?) but God is SO good and we are blessed.